Flathead Valley Alliance

Question	Answer
Dear Queer Ear, I need your help.  My Gaydar is broken, or maybe it was never installed properly!  I can’t pick a lesbian woman out of a crowd, and I failed the gaydar test. http://www.okcupid.com/gaydar.  If I can’t recognize if a woman is a lesbian, how can I know if someone is just being nice or if she is flirting with me? I also am not making else's gaydar beep.  I am a fun lovin blonde babe with a great sense of humor and self supporting.  I turn the heads of *men*, but women don’t seem to even give me a second look! How can I fix this?? Signed, Blonde Babe looking for love	Dear Blonde Babe, You say that women don’t give you a second look.  One reason for this is because the women you refer to are probably STRAIGHT, and thus, aren’t going to give you a second look.  Now, the main problem as I see it is that you don’t know who the lesbians are.  It’s possible that some of them are looking at you more than once (or even more than twice), but you just don’t notice them.  I have to admit, it is harder to tell who the lesbians are and who the straight women are in this area, as so many straight women look completely Butch.  Maybe we need to make up our own test…a set of questions that you can slip into conversations that might help give you a clue.  Here are some suggestions, “ 1. Where do you like to shop? If she says Claire’s or the jewelry counter at the mall – Red light, steer clear!  If she says Home Depot, Lowe’s, or Murdocks – Green light, go for it! 2. Who was your favorite original Charlie’s Angel in the 1970s? If she says Farrah, Kris, or Kelly, there is a good chance she’s straight (although she could be a lesbian if she likes fem fems) If she says Sabrina…BINGO!  Sabrina lovers are almost always lesbians. 3. What is your favorite sport? If she says something along the lines of figure skating, time to move on. If she says an answer like field hockey, continue the conversation. 4. What kind of music are you into? If she says Brittany Spears & Justin Timberlake, smile and walk away. If she says Melissa Etheridge & the Indigo Girls, pull her closer and dance the night away. 5. What Clubs do you like to go to in Missoula? If she says Rumors or the Iron Horse, she’s not for you. If she says AmVets or Club Q, move in for the kill, you’ve got one! <G> Ok, Ok, I admit that these are generalities, so don’t start writing letters to the editor saying that I’m stereotyping.  I *know* I’m stereotyping (I personally LOVE figure skating), but at the same time, most of what I wrote has a lot of truth to it.  If you can’t figure out if a woman is a lesbian just by looking at her, which lets-be-real, most people can’t….these conversation starters will certainly give you some serious clues as to which side her bread is buttered on. Good luck Blonde Babe!  I hope you find the lesbian love you seek. QE
Dear Queer Ear, I have just recently moved to the Whitefish area for a temporary job. I do not know anyone in this area and would like to know of places to go to meet people. I am not looking for a relationship, just interested in meeting new people. It would be nice to have a group of friends to hang out with during my days off. Thank you for your help. I'm really glad I found this site! Kristi	Hi Kristi, First of all welcome to the Flathead Valley!  I have asked around to see if people know more venues to meet people than I do.  The consensus was the same.  If you want to meet others from the GLBT community, the primary way to do this is to attend the events that the FVA puts together.  Recently there has been bowling & dinner, a horse drawn sleigh-ride, and there is a dance the last Saturday of every month.  Organizational meetings are held on the first Tuesday of every month in the Kalispell library.  You will meet people there who are the most involved in the community.  I wish I could tell you there were clubs or other activity groups to meet GLBT folks, but if there are, I am not aware of them. I hope this is useful to you.  Again, welcome! My best, QE
Dear Queer,   I recently discovered that I am gay.  While surfing on the web I have come across this term 3 times, "420." What does this term mean? Thanks! Johnnyboy	Dear Johnnyboy, 420 is the universal tag for smoking marijuana. What does this mean for gay men? Whatever the individual writes about 420 may indicate their stance on drug use. Best Wishes, QE
Dear Queer Ear, I go to the bars a lot here (straight bars) and I have noticed that the straight women start to hit on me when they find out that I am a lesbian.  That is fine, I play with them sometimes. Then about 6 to 8 weekends ago. I was out and there was this woman that started to hit on me. Once again I played back,  dancing with her, and you know that kind of touching.  That was fine.  Then one weekend I went into the bar and there she was again.  I said hi and went about my business.  After she had a few (not that I was watching her) she came over to me and we started flirting again.  It was all fine till I went to the bathroom and when I was coming out of the stall there she was!! She was pushing me back into the stall. (I bet you can figure out what was going on).  Anyway this continued for a couple of weekends then we started to meet for “lunches” (wink wink). Anyway things were kind of good then I was talking to my friend and found out that she was married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So my problem? Do I go along with her and pretend I don't know?? (enjoying the bonuses) Or end it?  What if the marriage is bad and she needs to get out?? I could help her? Okay so it was more then one question.  If you could just answer at least one I would be very happy for some direction. Thanks for your ear, Lost	Dear Lost, Are you sure this woman you met is married?  Have you ever asked her? Have you done any *talking* at these lunches of yours?  I am thinking not. The answers to a few questions will help you determine which direction you should go.  First, what do you want out of this?  Do you want a fling? Are you happy just meeting for "lunch" for fun and sex without commitment or chance of a future?  Are you comfortable having an affair with a married woman? Or do you ultimately want more than that? First I'd check the facts.  Ask her if she is married; ask her if she is straight.  Actually have a conversation with this woman you are having playtime with.  See what se says.  What does she want, what is she looking for? If she turns out to be married and straight as you suspect and is only looking for some uncommitted fun and sexual exploration on the wild side with a lesbian, then you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself this: Is there any part of you that wants more than a side-dish for sex, is there any part of you that doesn't want to engage in an affair, or is there any part of you that sees that there is no future for a lesbian and a straight woman...the RUN RUN RUN in the opposite direction from this woman and into the arms of your closest therapist to find out why you are attracted to these unavailable women!  But stop seeing her immediately, for your own future emotional health. But, if you are comfortable with all of the above and want to continue to see this woman, throwing caution to the wind, it's not for me to judge.  Just be careful that you are being 100% truthful with yourself about what you really want out of this or you will likely find yourself immersed in the dyke drama of your life. Good luck, QE
I have been with my partner for over 10 years now.Our sex life was great until about 3 years ago. I started to notice that she was paying more attention to the computer then me, staying on line until I went to bed. Things like that. So I went and got a spy program and installed it on our computer. I waited about a week before I check out where she was going. (I was scared to actually see what she was doing online).Anyway I checked it only to find out that she was on a lesbian Domination and Submission site. I had no idea she was into this. I am thinking that this is why we are not doing it.She is a very strong woman, so it was weird to me to find out that she liked to be dominated. I don’t know how to handle this one. I am pretty open when it comes to the bedroom. So I don’t know why she has not brought this to me. What should I do Queer Ear???”	”Lesbian bed death” (as it’s called) can happen for many reasons ranging from biological/hormonal changes to emotional issues individually or between the couple.I have to wonder about your communication and your trust issues since you felt you needed a spy program on your computer to find out what she has been up to instead of just asking her.But regardless, there are basically two ways you could go with this. One way is more conservative and the other is more daring. If you want to take the more conservative approach:During a moment when you feel emotionally intimate, bring the topic up of domination and submission in the bedroom.If you are into it, let her know.See what she says.Ask her about how she feels about it.It could just be a fantasy for her, but if she wants to explore this with you, she will be very relieved that you brought it up.If she isn't sure if she wants to bring her online fantasy into reality, you could have a planned meeting with her online in one of the D/S chat rooms or in a private room (you on one computer and she on another) and do a D/S role play to see how it feels.Who knows where it could lead!At least it will get the communication flowing and at best could spark a whole new flame in your sex life. Now, for the more daring suggestion: If you are almost definitely certain that she would be into it, go get yourself some leathers and dominatrix gear and surprise her one night with her fantasy come true.If this is truly what she wants, this could turn the flames of passion into a roaring fire! Good luck and keep us posted. QE
I have lived in Kalispell for a little over ten years now and am finding it very hard to meet people in the valley. I have shown interest in many guys but nothing ever seems to come of even a friendship. I feel like I am very outgoing and friendly and treat people with the utmost respect. What is your advice? Should I move to a bigger city or stay in the Flathead Valley which I really love and hope that one day true love will come my way. Looking for love, Chad	Dear Chad in Kalispell, Many people go looking for love in a very direct way.They try the answering the Personals, or online dating services, or singles events, and the like.While all of those things have their place, I always advise people to take a more indirect route. My advice is to live a life you love first and the love connection you are looking for will follow.Instead of hanging out in the "Over 30's - Gay Men Looking for Love" chat room on the internet, get more involved in the things that interest you.If you love music, get involved with a group of people who share the sameof music you do.If you enjoy hiking, join a hiking group that meets often.If you love cooking, take a cooking class.The best way to make a real connection with people is through shared similar interests that on the outside have nothing to do with dating.Surround yourself withthat make you love your life whether you meet someone special or not.Most likely you will still meet many people who will be potential friends, and even possible partners. Additionally, be an active part of the gay community and participate in theValley Alliance monthly.I'm sure there are many people who wouldyou as a friend. If you still feel that you aren’t establishing the relationships you would like, then maybe there is something else that is blocking you.  Perhaps a few sessions with a licensed therapist might be helpful.  It may help give you insight into some changes that you could make to bring the friendships and love that you seek into your life. If you love the Valley, I see no reason for you to have to leave it unless you want to.Be open to your life, be an active part of your life,be willing to try some new things.Live the life you love and the love you seek will find you. Best Wishes, QE